I recently heard from a wife who was so upset and confused. After 8 years of marriage, her husband came home one day and told her that he had started thinking that he wanted either a divorce or a separation. He admitted that he hadn't really been happy for quite a long time. This caught the wife somewhat off guard. She knew that things weren't always perfect in the marriage, but she never thought he would suddenly want out.
Of course, the wife wanted to know if there was someone else and, if not, why exactly he was doing this. He swore there was no one else. The wife wondered, if it wasn't someone else, if it was because he didn't love her anymore. The husband denied this also and assured the wife that he really and truly still loved her. This floored the wife and upset her even more. She asked me "If he still loves me, then why does he want a divorce? I just don't understand it. But when I ask him this, he changes the subject or tells me that he's made up his mind that it's time to move on. I'm devastated and none of this makes sense to me. I just don't know what to do."
This wife's situation was devastating and I felt deeply for her, but this situation is not at all uncommon. I very often hear from wives whose husbands are insisting that they still love them but still want a divorce. There are many reasons that a man might say this and then act to the contrary. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Sometimes A Man Can't Give You More Details Because He Doesn't Have Them:
In this situation, many wives make the assumption that their husband is just saying he still loves them in order to be compassionate and to spare them pain. And, I suppose this is sometimes true. But much of the time, the husbands are being honest when they say their still love their wives. But sometimes, they have come to a point where they feel that their life just isn't working in the way that it should.
Unfortunately, sometimes this doesn't have as much to do with your marriage as he thinks it does. It's very common for people to project other things that are wrong in their life onto their marriage. The husbands often don't see this until much later, but they do it just the same.
Other times, the husband can't exactly put his finger on what is wrong. He knows the marriage isn't making him happy, but when he looks at you, he can't place all of the blame on you or say that his love for you has changed. He only knows that his feelings about the marriage or the circumstances have changed and he isn't quite sure what to do to this. Often, instead of examining it, he'll sort of throw up his hands and give up. So, where does this leave you when this isn't entirely your fault and he might well still love you? This leads me to my next point.
If You Don't Want To End The Relationship, Focus On The Love Rather On The Fact That The Situation May Seem Dire:
Many wives in this situation immediately panic. I understand this because I was one of these wives. But I have to tell you that my panic did me no good and in fact made my situation worse. At times like this, you really don't have all of the information and sometimes, he doesn't have it to give you. So, instead of nagging him and trying to obtain something that you might not get, you're often better off (in my experience) focusing on the positive. He's telling you that he still loves you. That means something. That has to be seen as a positive thing. Now, this doesn't mean that you should throw this back in his face and use it as the basis for a debate. But, it does mean that you have a foundation on which to build. This is much more than many couples have and you should see it as the advantage that it can often be.
Understand That Restoring The Bond And Closeness Will Often Help With A Number Of Various Problems:
Much of the time, the wife in this situation is all but desperate to get a concrete answer out of her husband as to why he's doing this. This is because she wants to hyper focus on the issue that is driving them apart so that she can change his mind. But often, the search for this is only going to make matter worse and is only going to draw attention to what is wrong.
It's often better to think in general terms. Because in my experience and research, nearly every marital problem comes back to shifting intimacy and closeness. Couples who are deeply bonded can weather the stores that couples who lack intimacy can not. So sometimes, instead of trying to focus on a specific problem, you may be better off trying to reestablish a rapport and a closeness, even if you don't know how this is going to end up. The best plan is often to stress to your husband that his happiness is your priority and that your goal is to maintain the relationship, no matter where that ultimately ends up.
Because the fact is, you love him too. And, since the two of you love each other, there's no need to let the relationship go just because it may in fact change. Now, we both know you don't want it to change. But, by taking this stance, you're hopefully gaining some ground and gaining access to your husband. This can be important as situations and circumstances change. Your husband may well realize his mistake. He may look at this loving person who is placing his happiness at the forefront and realize his perceptions were wrong. When he does that, you want to be in the best position as is possible.
When my husband wanted a divorce (but I desperately want to save my marriage), I did everything that I could to stop it. I made many mistakes born out of frustration and fear. I delayed, I begged, argued, stalked and engaged, but none of these things worked. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog athttp://isavedmymarriage.com/
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